Edward Elric and the Philosopher's Stone
by Seraphim Grace
Summary: Ed has been sent undercover to find the philosopher's stone, only he's been sent to Hogwarts!.Crack! Comedy. May contain spoilers to both Anime!verse and books.Eventual RoyxEd. WIP
1. In which Voldemort reveals a prophecy

**_fic: Edward Elric and the Philosopher's Stone 1/?_**  
Title: Edward Elric and the Philosopher's stone  
Author: Seraphim Grace  
Archive: if you want it ask.  
Feedback: Always appreciated and replied to.  
Rating: PG-13.  
Pairings: Eventual Roy/Ed  
Warnings: Crossover, crack!  
Spoilers: Will follow both the Harry Potter books and the FMA universe (anime!verse)  
Synopsis: The Amestris government have discovered the whereabouts of a possible philosopher's stone and dispatch the only agent they can to get it, because after all it's at a school and only one person is young enough to be a student.

The house in Reisenburgh was a warm and welcoming structure, a merry fire burned in the grate and several of the windows were lit up by merry oil lamps. Lord Voldemort, the most feared wizard in the magical world, stood at the bottom of the path looking up. Beside him, one of his most loyal servants, Lucius Malfoy, checked the list. "This is the Elric house," he said, "the baby is one of those indicated by the prophecy."  
Voldemort gathered his will about himself like a dark shadow and began the climb. He used magic to fling open the door and found himself in an empty hall meaning any effect that the magic might have had was wasted, he listened for a moment and then threw open a second door to the parlour. Inside a small woman sat on a plush couch drinking tea. She had a sour face, as if perpetually sucking on a lemon, and her hair had been gathered up in a small knot. She was patently not the mother, or in this case, the father. Voldemort, cursing under his breath acknowledged her, "excuse me, madam," he said calmly, "I am looking for,"  
"Trisha Elric," Malfoy supplied calmly from his side.  
"She's changing the baby," the woman said, "however, the father is just outside, but he's due back at any moment, we can go get him if you like, Trisha's likely to be busy for a while."  
"It's no bother," Voldemort smiled, "I can wait."  
"Excuse me," a deep voice behind him rumbled, "what is it exactly that you want from my wife?"  
Voldemort turned around and found himself staring into the chest of a tall golden man with a strong jaw and well groomed beard. He swallowed, no one had mention that the father of this baby was Hohenheim of Light, one of the foremost wizards in the world, one that could use magic without a wand, and that he would be here. "Just dropping off my congratulations." Voldemort squeaked.  
"And it's nothing to do with that prophecy, Riddle" Hohenheim said, "that your arch nemesis would be born under a strict alchemical sign."  
Voldemort swallowed. "No," he managed.  
"but sir," Malfoy managed.  
Voldemort didn't see the fist that levelled him, nor the kick in the ribs that flung him from the door, but he did see the door slam shut behind him and Hohenheim shout "and don't come back."

Malfoy came up behind him, helping him to his feet, "well, sir," he said, "I think we can safely assume that that wasn't the baby." He started dusting him down. "And besides, someone mentioned that it was a girl."  
"Oh yes," Voldemort drawled gathering up his broomstick, "a girl called Edward."  
"really?" Malfoy asked, "I thought it was called Winry, never mind," he unfurled the list, "The next one is in Xing."

Voldemort discovered, just outside a palace in Xing, that a broomstick was a wonderful thing to strike one's subordinates with, not only did it hurt it made the most satisfying noise it had the advantage of being able to catch him under nostrils, in ears and eyes. "You fool," he said, hitting him again and again with the broom end, "that one was a girl."  
"Yes, sir," Malfoy managed from under his forearms, "I understand sir,"  
"next time, Malfoy," Voldemort said, bringing down his broomstick, a nimbus 1500, "I'm bringing Bellatrix LeStrange, at least she checks things first."  
"I completely understand, sir," he took the list out of his pocket and checked it again, "we're in luck now, sir," he said, "there are two on the list here, in Britain, we can take them out on the way home."  
"Names, Malfoy," Voldemort snarled, "I need names."  
"Well, James and Lily Potter have had a little boy, and the Longbottoms."  
Voldemort sucked on his tongue as he thought about it, "the Longbottoms are both aurors," he said, "and my ribs hurt, we'll take them out in the morning when I've had some sleep, we'll deal with the Potter boy first."

James Potter caught the worst of Voldemort's rage at the door with a well aimed Avra Kedavra curse that actually made the dread lord feel somewhat better. He stepped over the corpse and up the stairs to the nursery. Lily Potter was pretty enough when she was scared, her baby was in the cradle playing with a mirror. Voldemort released the death curse and watched with horror as it struck the mirror the child had moved and hit the holographic light show and split in two. He cursed as one bolt grazed the child to kill the mother and the other came right at him.  
It really hadn't been his day.  
Lucius Malfoy walked in on this just as his lord fell down appearing to be dead and did what any good subordinate would do in his place, he took off just as fast as he could.


	2. In which the exchange is suggested

Title: Edward Elric and the Philosopher's stone 2/?  
Author: Seraphim Grace  
Archive: if you want it ask.  
Feedback: Always appreciated and replied to.  
Rating: PG-13.  
Pairings: Eventual Roy/Ed  
Warnings: Crossover, crack!  
Spoilers: Will follow both the Harry Potter books and the FMA universe (anime!verse)  
Synopsis: The Amestris government have discovered the whereabouts of a possible philosopher's stone and dispatch the only agent they can to get it, because after all it's at a school and only one person is young enough to be a student. 

Fuhrer King Bradley of Amestris was sat at his desk squinting at a piece of paper when First Lieutenant Mustang entered with Major Armstrong and General Halcrow. Mustang swallowed the soccer ball that had just formed in his throat convinced that his coup, which couldn't even be more than suggested for years, had been heard of and this was instead of a military enquiry. The Fuhrer's secretary was a pretty blonde girl, the sort that normally rated a ten, and in Roy's experience, pretty didn't make competent judging by the expression on the Fuhrer's face as he tried to read her writing.

"ah, gentlemen," he said seeing them and twirling his moustache. "I am glad you were all able to see me so quickly." Roy thought that that was a contradiction in terms, every one of them had to see him immediately. "Now, take a seat." He sat down between Halcrow and Armstrong who barely fit into his chair. "What is discussed in this room must go no further, we are relying on your absolute discretion here, I trust I can trust you all." He looked around the room with his single eye.

"Certainly sir," Halcrow said, perhaps a little too quickly. Both Armstrong and Mustang nodded, there really wasn't much choice to the contrary.

"We have received intelligence from one of our spies in," he squinted at the paper, "Angleland," he looked perplexed for a moment and then carried on, "that a philosopher's stone is being held in an academy called Bogblatts."

He looked at his secretary. "Hogwarts, sir," She corrected.

He rolled his eye. "Yes, Hogwarts, under the watchful eye of the alchemist Drumbledrone." He looked his secretary who shrugged suggesting this one was right, which it wasn't. "We want to send a small military force undercover to test the veracity of this rumour, however we have reached a small snag." Mustang said nothing, "because it is an academy for children of eleven to eighteen we need your help, Mustang, I understand Major Edwin Eldridge is in your company."

Roy thought for a moment, "oh, you mean Major Elric." He enunciated, the Fuhrer looked across at his secretary.

"Yes," he said, "how old is the boy now, seven, eight."

"Twelve, sir." Mustang told him, he could see where this was going.

The Fuhrer looked at his notes again and then frowned. "Yes, well," he said, "Young Edwin will be going undercover at Hogblatts as a student along with another boy that tested very highly in alchemy but never took the exam a Rusty Twingkey."

"Russell Tringham, sir," the secretary offered.

"Yes," The Fuhrer said covering the slip, "him, we're sending the two of them undercover, however." He enunciated that word, "my legal team informs me that as both of them are under the legal age of consent for anything that I cannot send them undercover in a possibly dangerous mission in a foreign country without backup, this is where you two come in." He eyeballed Mustang and Armstrong, "you, Muskrat," he looked at Mustang after looking at the paper, "truly unfortunate name, you are going in as a professor of basic alchemy and applied pie monkey. And you," he looked at the paper, "Hamstring, you're teaching basic alchemy and applied gem ancestry." He pushed the paper over as Mustang mouthed Pie monkey.

"Sir," Armstrong said politely, ignoring that he had gotten his name wrong and signed him up to teach something particularly strange, "might I also mention that young Elric has a younger brother whom he looks after."

"That has been sorted," The Fuhrer told him crisply, "he is being placed in the care of one," he looked at the second sheet of paper, "Zuki Curtail."

"Izumi Curtis, sir," the secretary suggested.

"Yes her, who was their teacher, along with the miniature Twingkey boy, Plectrum," Roy frowned and gave up trying to guess his way out of that, "and two boys who are being sent on a student exchange program to learn Amestris Alchemy." He turned to his secretary, "I'm getting you a typewriter," he said.

Roy, Armstrong and Halcrow sat for a moment ignored before Halcrow coughed. "Oh, yes, you're dismissed, and make sure to inform the Eldridge boy."

Roy's shoulders slumped, he didn't want to be the one to tell Fullmetal, but someone had to, and unfortunately he was his senior officer. He wondered if Hawkeye would help, afterall there was safety in numbers. Looking at the transcript Mustang at least figured out that this mysterious pie monkey was pyromancy and there was a rather large amount being put aside to fund this mission, however stupid it sounded.


	3. In which the boys recieve their invites

Title: Edward Elric and the Philosopher's stone 3/?  
Author: Seraphim Grace  
Archive: if you want it ask. I just want to know where it is.  
Feedback: Always appreciated and replied to.  
Rating: PG-13.  
Pairings: Eventual Roy/Ed  
Warnings: Crossover, crack!  
Spoilers: Will follow both the Harry Potter books and the FMA universe (anime!verse)  
Synopsis: The Amestris government have discovered the whereabouts of a possible philosopher's stone and dispatch the only agent they can to get it, because after all it's at a school and only one person is young enough to be a student.

Edward Elric looked at the bundled parcel that awaited him in the train station. He had made an arrangement with Mustang that he would get his mail sent to him at certain stops, especially if he was going to be there for a while.

He looked at the tied bundle and scowled.

"Junk," he said throwing one over his shoulder, "I don't want a loan," that one joined the first, "I'm not interested in joining your book club," it made a rather successful missile, "Al, there's one here for you," he put that one down, "You may already have one, I doubt it," the envelope went flying, and lifted one in a rather elegant ivory envelope stiff enough to be card with a gold embossed seal, then opened it. "Dear Mr Elric, you have been selected to attend." He screwed it up in his automail hand and threw it, "nothing but junk and news for Al." He said and decided that he would be better off eating than just complaining about the complete dearth of worthwhile mail.

The second letter was waiting for him at the hotel desk, it was in the same beautiful card with the same watermark and lettering, "Niisan," Al said taking it, "you have mail, let's see," he opened the letter with his large clumsy hands, "it says you have been selected…"

"Al, it's just more junk mail," Ed said snatching it out of his hands before dropping it in the bin, "I swear you become a national alchemist and if it's not people begging for money it's companies suggesting you give it to them instead, and have you seen my research budget, fucking Mustang, I'm sure he creams off it."

Al took a long suffering sigh that suggested this wasn't the first time he had heard this complaint.

The third letter was waiting in his room, Ed didn't even bother to open it, just tore it in two and dumped the pieces into the fireplace.

After he had done what he needed to in the town for the day and was returning to the hotel complaining about everything he passed Al stopped, "Niisan," he said, "I feel funny."

"You better not have another cat in there." Ed said.

"But, Niisan, I haven't seen any cats."

Ed stopped dead in his tracks, was this it? The dreaded rejection he had read about but never mentioned to his brother, where his metal body rejected the soul grafted onto it by the blood seal. Al's chest burst open and a flurry of white expensive looking envelopes flew out of his chest like sparrows. Al just watched them go. "Niisan," he said rather plaintively, "I think we need to go back to Central."

Ed just nodded, for once dumbstruck, he lifted one of the letters, "_Dear Mr Elric_," it said, "_you have been selected to attend Hogwarts school of Magic and Wizardry as part of an exchange program arranged with Amestris. You are to report to platform 9 ¾ of Kings Cross station on the seventh of September with the other students._

_A list of the required materials and uniform have been enclosed."_

Russell Tringham looked up from his breakfast at the letter that Fletcher handed him, and then opened it with his butter knife. "It's confirmation of that thing that the soldiers told us about, about the school," he said, "I wonder who the other boy is."

"Do you think that Mrs Curtis will be nice?" Fletcher asked, his head down as he scowled.

"I'm sure she is, we were told that she raised the almighty full metal alchemist and his brother, the one that lives in the steam powered armour, so she must be very nice indeed. I'm sure she'll be lovely and give you a really good education in alchemy, just like the army promised."

In Dubluth Izumi Curtis turned her head away from the meat she was slicing with heavy strokes from a cleaver and sneezed. "I think someone's talking about me," she said, then thought about it, "it was only a small sneeze, they couldn't have been right."


	4. In which they go shopping

Title: Edward Elric and the Philosopher's stone 4/?

Author: Seraphim Grace

Archive: if you want it ask. I just want to know where it is.

Feedback: Always appreciated and replied to.

Rating: PG-13.

Pairings: Eventual Roy/Ed

Warnings: Crossover, crack!

Spoilers: Will follow both the Harry Potter books and the FMA universe (anime!verse)

Synopsis: The Amestris government have discovered the whereabouts of a possible philosopher's stone and dispatch the only agent they can to get it, because after all it's at a school and only one person is young enough to be a student.

It had taken all the way from Central to Siberia on the train before Ed stopped swearing and that had more to do with the plane that they were boarding and a sense of open mouthed wonder than any real calming of his nerves. In fact, Roy was rather amazed Ed had managed to go that long without collapsing, despite a few nap breaks and a rather large amount of food that was literally inhaled. He even managed to drink the train coffee, which even Armstrong, known for his ability to eat anything (passed down through the Armstrong family for generations) had been unable to. Roy suspected that they used it to fuel the train.

Ed had gaped, unlike Russell who had just put his head down and gone to sleep, as they waited in the airport for the plane, then chattered excitedly about science to anyone who would listen, working out how it flew and how long it would take. Roy wasn't sure it wasn't worse than the swearing, leaping red coated demon that had been on the train.

On the plane Ed's ears popped which caused a loud squeal and Armstrong shared with him another secret technique passed down through his family for generations, he squeezed a nerve on Ed's neck and the boy passed out.

The hotel in London was right beside the train station, Roy was glad to learn, it was just the wrong train station. So when he took the boys shopping in the mysterious Diagon alley he had to take them on the underground, a problem compounded by Armstrong not fitting on the sleek tube trains. Ed only asked questions for a couple of moments in the chemist, before being distracted by something vaguely chemical on the shelves as Russell fetched himself and his boisterous companion something to eat and drink, whilst Roy worked out the benefits of the over the counter herbal stress medication that they had on display.

He was just deciding between "E-Z life" and "Kalms" when Ed started tugging on his coat and asking for money. Roy decided it wasn't worth it and picked them both up.

The woman at the counter, looked at his purchases, looked at Roy, then looked at Ed, who was capering behind him pointing at things excitedly whilst even Russell looked about ready to explode, and just nodded in sympathy.

Roy wished he had the energy to even bother flirting with her, but dealing with a travel stained, hyper Elric just sucked the life out of him.

He was going to have to repress the memories involving the mini bar.

Edward Elric was fun to tease when you saw him once a month, spending more than that with him, was enough to drive a normal person insane.

Diagon Alley smelled. It had a sort of musty horsy sort of aroma, not helped by crowds of people wearing cloaks and a light drizzle of a rain. He made sure he could tell both boys, who were of a height, by their golden hair as he ushered them into the book shop.

Ed's eyes glazed over and Russell started to drool, it seemed they were both alchemists, because even Roy looking around felt a hunger.

The girl who worked in the shop seemed to float over to him, in a wisp of incense, broomstick skirt, hideously badly knitted sweater and beads. She was a plain girl with mousy brown hair but her arms were full of books. Roy smiled at her.

Book shopping was just as easy in this place as it was at home, he thought.

School uniforms were a nightmare, Roy thought, because Diagon Alley only sold the outer cape things, everything else was supplied by the school, but that apparently didn't include shirts, trousers, socks, sweaters (badge to be sewn on when received) and the school uniform shop seemed amazed that Roy didn't know this. The man, a rather officious man with a thin rat face, sent him off with a slip of paper explaining his needs to somewhere called British Home Stores where he could get everything he needed, and lunch apparently.

The wand store was a debacle, apparently the owner thought they should try things out. This meant that what he thought was a five minute chore took the best part of an hour. Russell apparently suited white ash with unicorn hair, which had taken minutes, he himself had had a shock lifting a piece of mandragora with phoenix feather but nothing really seemed to suit Ed, Ed being so contrary it really wasn't a wonder. Eventually, through some miracle known only as Ed being Ed he found one eventually, the most expensive in the store, naturally, but strangely the shop keeper mused, checking his books, identical to one he had previously sold to a Mr Hohemheim.

Ed's explosion hadn't been pretty.

He went to the Familiar store looking like he had run the London Marathon and completed it after twenty eight days. "I want that," Ed said pointing at a small dark blur in a glass cage.

"But, sir," the shop owner said as Roy was prepared to agree for the sake of an easy life, half a bottle of E-Z life hadn't helped his day, "that's not a familiar, it's just a tortoise someone left here when they found something better. I'm waiting on the RSPCA picking it up."

"I want it." Ed said and prepared to launch into a full tirade.

"I've got some nice rats, some lovely owls, and lots of really great cats."

"Cats?" Russell interjected.

"I WANT THE TURTLE, YOU BASTARD." He shouted at Roy bouncing about in a shimmy of red coat. "Because it reminds me of Alphonse, WHO IS CURRENTLY IN FUCKING AMESTRIS WITHOUT ME BECAUSE OF YOU!"

"Two cats and the turtle." Roy sighed, wondering if it was possible to overdose on herbal stress relief.

Roy swore he'd never go shopping with Ed for anything ever again.

Russell named the cats, on the way to the mysterious British Home Stores, he called them Auberon and Titania, taking the white female for himself and leaving Ed with a sorry looking black kitten and a shy tortoise. Roy sat them down in the small shop restaurant with food and went to find someone to help him collect their uniforms.

By the time he got back to the Saint Pancras hotel Ed was screaming that he was hungry, Russell was threatening Ed's life with a variety of pointed objects, including their new wands.

He left the two boys with Armstrong and went to see if it was possible to get very, very, very drunk in this town. He slipped a piece of paper with his hotel address and room on it before he went out, just in case, he thought. Waking up in a strange city with no idea where you were staying, was embarrassing, but enough liquor and Roy just wouldn't care.

He had many reasons to want to overthrow the fuhrer, but this one had just pipped "evil warmonger" to the post.


	5. In which they ride the Hogwarts Express

Title: Edward Elric and the Philosopher's stone ?/?  
Author: Seraphim Grace  
Archive: if you want it ask. I just want to know where it is.  
Feedback: Always appreciated and replied to.  
Rating: PG-13.  
Pairings: Eventual Roy/Ed  
Warnings: Crossover, crack!  
Spoilers: Will follow both the Harry Potter books and the FMA universe (anime!verse)  
Synopsis: The Amestris government have discovered the whereabouts of a possible philosopher's stone and dispatch the only agent they can to get it, because after all it's at a school and only one person is young enough to be a student.

The Hogwarts express looked like the kind of train that was usual in Amestris, rather than the sleek noisy screaming ones that were over the rest of the station. There was a group of adults in long black cloaks stood in a huddle smoking foul smelling cheroots as the entire platform, pointed out to him by a very kindly woman in a long wool coat and a cloche hat, milled with children.

They were all sorts of ages from younger than Ed and Russell, who had been enrolled a year under their suggested grade because they had no idea what to do with this magic stuff that the school taught. They ranged to mostly adult, but watching over them were the tutors that looked as if they too lived on herbal stress remedies.

"Sir," a particularly spotty oik with bright red hair and a bright golden P stitched on his sweater, "parents don't have to stay."

The spotty oik, a ginger prefect, looked at Armstrong and then the two boys, then at Roy with a smile. "I'm a teacher." Roy said.

The boy's spots glowed as red as his hair. "Oh, I'm sorry," the prefect said, "I thought that you and he," he looked at Armstrong, it was a long way to look up, but the major was suppressing, as best he could, the pink sparkles, but it obviously didn't matter. "The teacher's car is up front." the boy said, nodded and fled.

And Roy had just been thinking that it might help his acne if he set him on fire. He had reached the very end of his tether, and sometimes one just had to make do.

"Percy," another red haired boy said pulling at the boy's cloak, he was covered and freckles and Roy was not in any way surprised that the boy was called Percy, he looked like a proper Percy.

"Everyone," one of the teachers said, stubbing out the cheroot under her boot with a crash of bright purple spanks and green smoke, "onto the train, come on, come on," she waved her hand. "come along prefect Weasley, lets make sure we don't leave behind any of the first years."

"First time." One of the other teachers asked, his pockets jingling with glass bottles, "you must be the new teachers, come along to the teacher's car, I have plenty of liquor, we'll be at Hogwarts in no time." The teacher was a snakey looking man but he had saved Roy from travelling for several more hours with Elric, he could have been the devil himself and Roy would have followed him into hell to avoid another journey with Elric.

"Come along, come along," the female teacher said ushering them on, "everyone get a seat, so the train can get going, come along, first years to the back, first years to the back."

Edward lifted his cat carrier, with skinny black cat, and followed Russell, with his white cat, unto the train. "Is someone sat here?" Russell asked popping his head into one of the cabins. A girl with a shock of frizzy brown hair, who was already wearing her school uniform, unlike Ed and Russell, and a rather drab looking boy.

"No, come in." The girl said, looking up from the big thick book she was reading. The boy had a toad in a glass box with no top on it. "I'm Hermione," she said, "and this is Neville."

"I'm Russell," Russell told her, "and this is Ed."

"I've heard," Hermione said, "that Harry Potter is somewhere on this train."

"And?" Ed asked. "Can I look at your toad?"

Standing up he reached into the box, lifting him with his metal hand, the toad shrieked, something Ed hadn't known that they do, and jumped at his face, Ed jumped back and threw the toad up in the air. The toad screamed again, landed on the train table with a flat squelch and then dove through the door as it opened to show a blonde boy.

The toad screamed again, the boy screamed and jumped and quickly found himself on Russell's knee as the toad made its break for freedom.

"My toad." Neville shouted and tried to dive after it, but squished in at the window he tried to reach past Hermione but the boy with the white blonde hair was in the way and then, just to make it worse, if it was possible, the tuck lady barged in with her tray, "want anything to eat or drink boys," she looked at Hermione, "oh, lucky you, all these pretty boys."

"And Longbottom." The pale haired boy said bringing himself to his feet.

"My toad!" Neville cried.

"I don't have toads, I'm afraid, I have chocolate frogs."

The pale haired boy went to push the trolley out of his way but the tuck lady kept him wedged in, "you must be young Malfoy, your mummy told me all about you," the boy went pink, he was so pale that he turned cerise.

"Let me out," Malfoy said.

"My toad." Neville shouted again.

"We'll help you look." Hermione said standing up, "won't you boys?" Her eyes were like a chimera's hard and firm. "but yes," she told the tuck lady, "we will have some chocolate frogs for later, and some cheese sandwiches."


End file.
